R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
