I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
