Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
