You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
