Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
