i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
