My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
