she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
