matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
