He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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