She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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