I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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