i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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