you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I smell like Dick and happiness
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
