Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
