I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
