I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
