he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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