Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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