Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
