i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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