So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Randomize
