omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
