I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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