he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
