once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
