I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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