so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
