I think my vagina is haunted
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
