News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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