I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
