he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
