Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
