He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
