Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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