hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
