you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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