I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
did i walk over a car last night?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
