Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Randomize
