Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
