First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
