he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
We have started to decorate penises.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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