oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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