I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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