haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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