The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
