Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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