Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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