I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
