You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
