Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
