I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
