I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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